How to Sing the Blues (thanks to the Delta 88's blues band and Judith Podell for this insight.)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the ugliest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes .... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the ugliest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10.
Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14.
If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

• 
  After waking early to get to work early (leaving the house at 7am), I discover a half flat tire. STRESS. I hurridly fill it up and start my commute.


• Its raining. The mountain highway I drive over every day to get to sillycon valley is plagued with accidents and moronic drivers. The normal 1 hour commute takes 1 hour 50 minutes. STRESS


• I take a closer look at aforementioned tire, again in a half flat state. I notice the steel showing through the rubber, looking like the rubber is separating. Ponder replacing tire. Ponder what a blow out would be like on a hiway 17 curve. STRESS


• Am much later to work than planned. Ponder how I'm going to get back to university to lead discussion section AND do 8 hours of work at the lab. STRESS


• Find cheap tire place to replace tire. Get price. Take car to said place. In spite of "free installation," real price is $20 more than quoted price. PISSED and STRESSED.


• Get back to work. Jam through rest of work day with no lunch, no break. Leave work to coworker's report of 7 car pileup on my commute route back home. STRESS


• Get to section meeting place late. Students waiting. Stressed students who have exam in the morning. Students waiting on me. GUILT and STRESS


• Get up in front of students, 12 hours after I'd left my house. Brain goes blank. I discover I can't coherently talk about jack shit. STRESS. fumble through discussion of DNA replication, transcription, translation to semi-hostile students. STRESS. The Red Bull isn't kickin in. MORE STRESS.