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wSpring Tide |
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The tandem pull of the sun and the moon
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wFriday, November 30, 2001 |
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There'll come a time
When all of us must leave here
Then nothing Sister Mary can do
Will keep me here with you
As nothing in this life that I've been trying
Can equal or surpass the art of dying
Do you believe me?
There'll come a time
When all your hopes are fading
When things that seemed so very plain
Become an awful pain
Searching for the truth among the lying
And answered when you've learned
The art of dying
But if you want it, you must find it
But when you have it there'll be no need for it
There'll come a time
When most of us return here
Brought back by our desire to be
A perfect entity
Living through a million years of crying
Until you've realized the art of dying
Do you believe me?
--George Harrison, "The Art of Dying"
posted by
Just Mary at 10:55 AM
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wMonday, November 26, 2001 |
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It was a great Turkey Day. Plenty of bird, cooked in a smoker, plus bbq'd ham. Some friends invited myself and a pack of other "orphans" to gather at their house. A good time was had by all.
The next day I suggested we needed to have a post-turkey picnic at the ocean. Since the waves have been so high, (15-20 feet) its not really safe to be on the beach, so a pack of us hung out at the Lighthouse on the cliffs and watched the surfers doing their thing in Steamer Lane (named because the breakers mist up the air, making it look like steam). Had yummy leftovers, a lil wine and then went for a walk in the nearby field to check out the Monarch trees.
A Monarch tree is usually a eucalyptus or an evergreen that thousands of monarch butterflies will come to roost on in the winter. All monarch's west of the rockies migrate to small groves of trees along the central coast of california. A tree can get so covered with butterflies that it starts to look like its breathing, as the butterflies fan their wings an flutter about. On this day that we went, it was pretty cold, so the butterflies weren't moving around a lot. Have to wait for a sunnier day.
"I am In'flu Enzah, Defender of the Lily of Ehlonna! I sneeze at evil!"
Played D&D last night for the first time. That same bastid who got me into CL has been after me to play D&D for months now. After observing a few games, I rolled up a 3rd level character yesterday -- a Paladin. I'd grabbed a cala lily that was bent over in the yard, and I've been fighting a cold... hence the name. Never played an annoying "good" character before, so I used the only role model I know... thanks James ;)
I'm going to probably roll up a character for a main game -- last night was a one night adventure (which we still have to finish) ... still can't decide what she'll be, but names I'm looking at are E.Bola, Strepto Caucus... Numo Caucus... Aetch Ivy, Hantav Irus... many possibilities. A theme? you bet. one of the players last night and in the main adventure I'll be joining names her characters after brain parts... Fron'tal the Bard kept our spirits high last night. Being unoriginal, I'm copying her methods.
Heh.
posted by
Just Mary at 12:18 PM
6 comments
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wWednesday, November 21, 2001 |
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Yay! My jasmine vine is blooming!
I rent what can only be described as a dump, for way too much money. My landlords are reluctant to let me plant anything, so I plant stuff in pots.
One of my all time favorite things is the smell of Jasmine. So I bought a pot and a small jasmine vine and have it on my front doorstep.
The lil thing has had a tuff time of it... I think it was getting too much sun. But a few weeks ago, my landlords built a lil roof awning over the front step of my shack because I pointed out how much the winter rains wer damaging the door and the carpet by the door. So now, my lil jasmine-in-a-pot is much happier, because its getting a lil bit of shade during the day.
I've heard they really prefer to have their roots more spread out, so I'm going to get a bigger pot for it. Maybe it will bloom even more that way.
On a separate note, thanks for the emails James.
And separate from that, I almost really screwed myself. I'm currently on quarter break from school because the classes I need to graduate aren't offered this quarter. I had to do a withdrawl and readmit and it seems I put the wrong date down for re-admit -- said I was planning to attend classes in the Fall of 2002 instead of this january. EEEEEP. I hadn't heard anything from school about my readmit application, so I called my college yesterday. They managed to get things fixed, so now I can enroll for Winter Quarter. Yay for me!
I'm looking forward to taking classes again. Just wish I could take more "fun" (biology) classes.
posted by
Just Mary at 8:21 AM
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wThursday, November 15, 2001 |
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Yesterday I walked to "Mary's Beach," a small bit of heaven about 5 blocks from my house, in time for the sunset. (have to call City Hall today... they *still* haven't changed the sign on the name of the beach.. don't they *know* I've been here 4 years now??)
There's something so wonderful about the light this time of year... I can't really describe it, except that it adds a softness to the air and surroundings. At sunset the pink in the air is intensified, softly brushing the rocks, the houses and the Monterey cypress.
You don't get to see the sun actually drop into the ocean, as you might expect. Instead it slides into the fog bank that's miles offshore. But on a good day, the water, the kelp beds.. everything turn this soft pink as though the very air is pink and lightly saturating the scenery.
I watched the pelicans doing their ghostly glide over the water for awhile, enjoyed the small breaking swell on the rocks and the beach, watching the way the water made its way through the rocks. Lucky for me, it was low tide as well, so I got to poke around some rocks, surprise a small shore crab tucked in his hole 3 feet above the water in a rock, admire the anthopleurus (anemones). Its certainly not the best tide pools around, but its close to my house, and I can't complain.
Because of the recent storms, there was a lot of (kelp and other macroalgae washed up on the beach. I found a perfect little specimen of Microcladia borealis, a member of the genus I spent two months studying one quarter. Its a small red algae, not as dramatic as m. coulteri and not as well described. Didn't see any M. coulteri, in spite of the prescence of its basiphyte hosts all over the beach (it grows primarily on other algae, a tremendous adaptation, given the competition for substrate space for algae and the adaptations some of its hosts have evolved in trying to keep from being "a host." Had fun poking through the "garbage" tho, looking for it.
I know. I'm weird.
Got my feet wet, letting the waves wash in til I was up to my knees (brrrr)... then headed home.
I had an "old age" moment. I couldn't remember the word for a limpet!! Man that bugs me... something I should know so well, but slips from my brain. Wasn't til it was dark and I was walking home that I remembered. Couldn't remember the name of the polychaete worm that lives in the sand honeycombs in the rocks either. (still have to look that up). That worm was my favorite lab in my invertebrate zoo class... incredibly colorful and delicate.
I need more beach time. And more saltwater therapy. Way more.
posted by
Just Mary at 12:37 PM
1 comment
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wWednesday, November 14, 2001 |
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This has been a very hard year in-game.
It started with something I tried to do, rpwise, to draw friends into a conflict, a rather large storyline that cut across clans. I worked hard to try to make sure folks in my clan (not PM) knew it was an IC construct, but I handled it badly. I was clumsy and I crossed some boundaries for other people I wasn't aware of. When it blew up, I apologized to those players.
While I completely own my responsibility for hurting those players' feelings in that action and possibly ones that preceeded it, I decided I couldn't go back. Because this rp was going on, a rather major one involving my character, I realized that the clan would probably have a hard time with some of the consequences of that rp, even if I never again spoke badly of that clan. I was also nursing a bit of hurt over how it all went down and a sense of betrayal over OOC things said.
Sure, I probably *am* oversensitive. Having people's approval has always been far too important to me, and I take too much to heart. My issue entirely.
So I joined PM, a group of folks I'd known for a long time and who I'd spent considerable hours hunting with anyway. If nothing else, I knew they wouldn't have a problem with my character being "evil," and I had a great deal of affection and respect for the players, having known some of them since my time in ELF, v.39. Before joining, I asked some of the players in PM how they felt about Althea's situation, without being too specific, and their response was "go for it! Sounds cool."
Things in the lands changed for me when I joined PM. People I thought were friends started saying some pretty shitty things about me, personally, both to my face and behind my back. Seeing visionstones of conversations about you -- I truly do not recommend it. Avoid learning what people you call friend are saying about you behind your back. Ignorance can indeed be bliss and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Its been difficult to go from being a character and player almost everyone liked, to being a player that is hated and despised, a player that some others feel free to OOC abuse and harass in-game... Some players who castigate PM for being a pack of OOC assholes "ruining" the game, guilty of the sin of being too close to their characters and rude and mean people, did the same thing to me that they profess to despise, engaging in the very behavior they claim makes them hate PM.
Not everyone did. But oh, the irony...
I've been accused of whining over this... of simply not sucking it up and taking the consequences of my character's actions. I just never expected some of the out of character responses to in-character actions. Its been a bitter disapointment to me. Sure, I probably did it all badly. Clanlord is my first rpg. But the lack of slack, the player-player accusations leveled against me has been hard. I can take it IC. I have a much tougher time with the OOC stuff.
I guess I'm just naive.
The rp I mentioned above has since gone dead in the water. And given that fact, combined with the difficulty of playing a character in PM, I've dropped that rp. Its not worth it to me to continue to rp something that's gone dead, something that had it continued would result in even more player hate leveled against Mary. While I can't "opt-out" in an IC manner, its gone in Althea's head. Its something I refuse to play with anymore. I'm not good enough or tough enough to take that on as well, nor will I give anyone yet another stick to whap PM, IC or OOC.
At the end of the day, this game is supposed to be about fun. So I will do those things I find fun, such as hunting with PMF and enjoying those friendships, along with the other friendships I've held onto in spite of my character's actions.
If you have any personal investment in what people think about you, or how people approach you out of character, I encourage you to play your character straight and narrow. Cheer for "community" that excludes players who take risks, cheer for conformity of characters, style your character as a clearly moral and good individual. Stay away from the grey, don't go outside accepted conventions, don't try anything risky and never never ever get involved in any issue of real conflict. You, the player, will be condemned for it. If you do, make sure you are tough enough to take it.
It's water under the bridge at this point, I guess. I've learned a lot. If nothing else, Althea in PM has been a great friendship filter. And will continue to be, in spite of the sadness the knowledge brings me. To those who have continued to assume the best about Mary, in spite of where my character Althea has gone, I thank you.
In the interim, I'm not posting on the NG anymore about PMF. I will let people believe about us what they will, and repeat the lies they wish to repeat. Any friend who wants to discuss Althea's participation in PM is invited to do so with me personally via email or in another other private medium. My email is charactername@poguemahone.org. I only ask that you give me a few days. I'm pretty worn right now.
I'm not going to justify or defend any of the above here or in any other public fora. I will not respond to comments on this diary about PM. I will not be publicly presenting my point of view or explanation of the way I'm playing the game. My intention is to retreat with Althea further into the IC zone, and stop trying to assert that I'm really a good person behind it all, or that there's any validity to what I do. Folks may believe what they will. Hopefully it will stay in the IC realm.
It won't surprise me if people make further negative judgements about me based on what I've written. That is their right. I'm asking that you don't do it here. I'm not even sure I'll continue with this diary. I'm probably displaying far more vulnerability than is wise.
I'm taking a few days off of the game.. I might pop in to hunt with my friends in PMF. Those hunts still give me joy, at a time when so few things about the game do.
It's been a long year.
posted by
Just Mary at 11:07 AM
7 comments
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wFriday, November 09, 2001 |
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To some degree, how much someone hurts you is a reflection of how much you trust them. When you feel transgressed against, you try to talk about it -- resolve the conflict. When it happens again and again, and the friendship is disrespected, your feelings disrespected, and your friend refuses to discuss it with you, you have a choice: Keep trying or move on.
I can't *make* someone resolve a conflict with me or talk to me about it. I can't make them not slag me publicly where there's no option of response. I can't make them stop lying about what kind of person I am (even if they are saying it just to be clever). What I can do is remember that I included them in my definition of friend, realize my mistake and move on. Ultimately, all I can do is adjust how I feel about it.
Looks like this one is headed for the AFOG bin -- Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth.
posted by
Just Mary at 3:37 AM
9 comments
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